A Whole New Perspective, A Whole New Year, A Whole New Decade

If you didn't know, I love the topic of apologetic. I've always had a strong interest and curiosity of the pain and suffering in our hearts, in our environments, and in our earth. I'm not a professional in this field, but I've always been very intrigued by the doubts, fears, and 'God, why me?' questions that people combat daily. I've always tried my best to answer to the best of my little knowledge.

#one: But when it comes to my life, it's a different story.
This break I've succumbed to this feeling of my mom's depression. The repeated agony of heartbreak and loneliness is unbearable, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. And I started asking myself, Why this pain? Why have I been constantly in a cycle of utter hurt. If you see my previous post, that's when I'm trying really hard to understand God and His way.
I'm not sure if my prayer really helped the Holy Spirit speak through me, or through the couple of books I've been reading about suffering, but I feel replenished and filled with God's love this new year. Although I've never wrote the details of my tough journey so far, I feel like this sudden feeling of pain has made me realize the beauty of the Cross and the beauty of our Father. All this pain has somehow formulated this deep sensation of love and wisdom in my heart. I know that probably doesn't make sense to you, the few readers of my blogspot, but maybe we'll talk about it in the near future sometime.

#two: I guess this is my second epiphany, but more like a very sad forgotten fact.
Steve just came back from urbana a couple days ago, and yesterday we were talking about his whole experience and more onto the topic of missionaries, abuse and sex trafficking. Another thing I'm very compassionate for and a strong advocate against is sex trafficking. While we are living in luxurious lifestyles, complaining about the minor cuts and scraps of life, there are children being sold by their own families to repulsive animals hungry for sex. I can't even imagine myself being raped once, but think ten times a day. Horrifying, gruesome, abhorrent, evil, excruciating.. all words that pop up into my head.
Just one example of how demonic our world is every single minute of the day. I could really go on forever, literally, forever about just the topic of sex trafficking, nevermind other corruptions of this world.
But my 'epiphany' was how my huge compassion and love for these people have become lulled and numbed. I've completely forgotten the hurt and suffering around the world, the only hurt and suffering that was radiating and triggering my brain for prayer was my own pain. I couldn't stop crying when Steve and I were talking about these things, not just because these things are horrible and wretched things done to human kind, but how all this has just
..slipped my mind.

The number one New Year's Resolution for the U.S. is to lose weight (I don't know stats but I can tell you for a fact that it is number one and will remain number one). I think that has been a new year's resolution for me several times, but this year it'll be something deeper than just my appearance and shallow wants. But something greater. A resolution to continually acknowledge the hurt being experienced all over the world, and not just from myself. And try to not only acknowledge and pray, but to act and keep the fire in my heart burning for these people. That includes the 1/3 of the world that goes to sleep hungry, the people with no shelter, the people with no family, the people suffering amidst war, the people who have experienced death of loved ones, and the people that do not know Jesus Christ.

Everything has slowly pieced together. and I'm not saying my pain is gone, but I'm starting to understand it and realize God's plan for me. Not just through my painful experiences, but His plan for me in the future and opening my eyes to what I'm meant to do in this life on earth.

Can you pray for me?

And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said, "Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can't You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?"

"My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I've heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die"


Please, Lord
Heal me from this resurfacing pain that I've been suffering from my whole life. I feel weak and empty inside, but I know your love is pouring into the depths of my heart and you're constantly letting me know that you love me and care when my heart is aching. Heavenly Father, please help me through this agonizing obstacle that I must overcome again and again. I need You. I know that You will never let me wilt and fade away. You've defeated and conquered the grave and the enemy, and I trust that this pain I go through will strengthen my faith and help me grow into the person that you've planned for me to be. But please, remain by my side and hear my cries God. When I'm drowning, pull me out of the dark abyss and when I'm falling behind, hold my hand and continue to help me. It's so hard to say all this in prayer, and to faithfully live out constantly in fear of these throbbing stings. I pray in Your Son's precious name, Amen.