you read my mind

Pandora did an EXCELLENT job of reading my mind today during studio.  Mainly because they really listened to my style.  It was picking up all of my favorites-- Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, Van Morrison, doowop artists, and an arrangement of jazz.

Something Jenny Chau said at discipleship that I must remember, I wish I quoted her, but you how my memory is.  The memory of a goldfish.  So I'll paraphrase, with some personal intake.
Even though college is a special experience, and you won't get the same thing as you're older, God is painting this beautiful picture right in front of our eyes.  We are experiencing a new element and new brush stroke every time we begin a new chapter of our lives.  Just like the seasons, we will see the beauty in every step, in every winter filled with warmth and beauty-- and every spring of renewal and blossom.

Which reminds me, I really want to start painting again.

Time to write my paper, my 10 page paper.  The mixture of jazz and R&B music that I'm playing on my iTunes is creating this ambiance filled with motivation and confidence.  Strange, but I'm accepting it.

most beautiful

Writing is one of the most beautiful forms of art and intelligence in this world.  I hope that my love for writing remains forever.

rejuvenation for my soul

I woke up in an ice cold Mercedes Benz with specs of rain all around the windows.  The car was off, but the radio station was playing a Christmas tune.  My feet feel wet and numb, even though my elf boots and feet are completely dry.  Shivering, I readjust and focus my eyes to see the time to be 3:31am.  The illumination of the Target symbol was reflecting against the passenger's window into my face.   and the illumination of the target symbol made my eyes squint a bit.
For that split second, I really didn't know what I was doing and who I was.
But then I remembered that I was utterly dreading the 30 minute wait for Target to open during the infamous Black Friday.
I know I'm not talking nonsense when I poorly illustrate you that scenario.  Have you ever had a glimpse of a moment where you really didn't know who you were, or where you were, or what you were doing in this world?  I have, many times, and this is the one out of hundreds.

I wish I was wittier with words so that I could concretely give you a 'name' to this experience, but it's so mind boggling, I get lost in my thoughts just thinking about the experience.
For the thirty minutes before Target opened for the rampage of selfishness and exhaust, I thought about my life in retrospect.  I felt like my brain got hit by a giant slap in the face, which was tremendously painful-- filled with wisdom, yes, but so painful.  I'm so ignorant, spoiled, wasteful, selfish, insignificant, undetermined, lethargic, and my happiness relies on ridiculously petty materials and wants.
This experience was exponentially heightened because of the lack of heat in my cousin's car.  One large example: How spoiled we all have become in the U.S. for extravagantly milking oil to heat up our homes for maximum comfort.  I felt so helpless during those thirty minutes.
When there are millions of people with no food, water, and shelter all around the world.  When there are millions of homeless people around the streets of the U.S.  When there are children in dire need of water.  When there are girls shivering at night, after going through a gruesome experience with different men, trying to sleep, but can't, knowing they are chained to the sex trafficking trade.
We're so blessed, thank you God, but Lord, we're so naive and selfish for not being so thankful.

Although overwhelming, I know God placed this in my heart for a reason.  To rejuvenate my passion for loving the ones I love, loving the ones that I don't even know, human rights, artistic creativity, architectural history,  environmental movements, to go and respond with the gospel.  He was opening my eyes to a whole new element of being active in my passions.

Lord, I pray that you keep me strong and you continue to replenish my dreams and passions.  Lord, I pray that I can be a part of the change that you want to cover this earth with.  I want to be a servant of Yours to help, aid, love, and save your children.

a quick five minute rest

In short, facebook is mostly for keeping in touch, looking at pictures and ofcourse, people stalking.  Twitter is used to follow the most interesting celebrities and create a 150 word witty remark or update on our mediocre to extravagant days.  But something that Twitter and Facebook don't really provide is a place to journal, vent, and write out detailed emotions and thoughts that can beautifully illustrate a scene of your daily life.

I miss writing, so much.
I've come to this realization because I'm studying for the GRE's right now.  The intensive vocabulary and constant repetition of practice problem sets after sets isn't what's making me want to write--  but the idea of graduate school, architecture, and my career in life.  If I wasn't pursuing a career field in architecture and design, I would've definitely become a writer of some sort.  Don't judge my writing on this vent ;) It's really a five minute burn session while I 'take a break' from studying.
But I still trust God that He has a path set for me, in my career, my relationships, and my life.  Although I don't want to trust Him all the time, I try my best.  If He had/has the power and zeal to turn my life completely around from sin and save me wholeheartedly, then I know He can do anything.

Five minutes up.

Oomph.

This blog post is solely dedicated to Donna Shin.  She has lightly pushed me back into creating posts on blogspot instead of tumblr.  Now I'm torn between the decision of keeping tumblr or blogspot.  Well, I'll worry about that later, or never.  Maybe I'll just keep both.

So this summer, I've had a lot of sudden urges.  I've been really wanting to spend my last summer as a college student doing spontaneous and spectacular things.  I guess you can say my definition of spectacular isn't the real one, but hey, I'm a simple girl and like simple things. and that's how we DO.
All in all, the past 2.5 months have been glorious, filled with lots of fantastic food, new adventures, the celebrations of many 21st's, sweets, NY land, and spending time with the best people.
August is going to be the most entertaining for sure.  It's got a little more oomph.  I'm excited.

This wasn't a real fun blog, I try to add some kind of story or metaphor into each entry, but my personality is very lackluster today.  I'm a little sick and sluggish so, I'm just writing for the sake of Donna Shin,
and it is wut it iz.



Hi Larry Bird.

quick update: edit later

there are so many beautiful things, loyal friendships, breathtaking moments, and wonderful opportunities that God created on this earth.  how could we not love life?

<3

G Minor

Classical non lyrical music is actually beautiful to the ears.  The rhythm and patterns of the notes swiveling and floating gently but meshing with one another is so breathtaking.  Listen, for real.  It's so soothing for the soul, and so brilliant.  I'm doing two papers at the same time right now, and I just had to write a blog.  I haven't written one in so long (on internet journal that is), and I all of a sudden opened up this post and started jotting down.  typing technically.  But this music is pretty inspiring and really makes me want to journal.

I have only a couple of regrets, and the one out of two regrets is that I quit cello.  When I was younger, I had this passion and gift for cello.  Cello by itself is one of my most beautiful instruments I've heard.  The string's melody is so romantic and so immaculate when played correctly.  When I first picked it up in 4th grade, I was learning so fast and was becoming fairly good.  I would practice for three to four hours a day, and only fall deeper in love.  But after high school started and I got into field hockey, I kind of side-tracked and stopped practicing completely.
And after about six years of completely unattenuated to cello, I've suddenly started to miss it.  I'll let this sit in my mind for a year or two, and decide whether I want to get back into the movement of cello again.  I hope it's not impossible to completely neglect an instrument for almost 1/3 of my life and then seek it once more.
Almost like a sad love story? Please listen to this post to Moonlight Sonata by Lloyd-Watts and Ludwig :)

Things I would like to do:
Listen to jazz and classical
Paint
Design
Photography
Play the cello
Grow flower gardens
Love,
Share God's love

A Whole New Perspective, A Whole New Year, A Whole New Decade

If you didn't know, I love the topic of apologetic. I've always had a strong interest and curiosity of the pain and suffering in our hearts, in our environments, and in our earth. I'm not a professional in this field, but I've always been very intrigued by the doubts, fears, and 'God, why me?' questions that people combat daily. I've always tried my best to answer to the best of my little knowledge.

#one: But when it comes to my life, it's a different story.
This break I've succumbed to this feeling of my mom's depression. The repeated agony of heartbreak and loneliness is unbearable, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. And I started asking myself, Why this pain? Why have I been constantly in a cycle of utter hurt. If you see my previous post, that's when I'm trying really hard to understand God and His way.
I'm not sure if my prayer really helped the Holy Spirit speak through me, or through the couple of books I've been reading about suffering, but I feel replenished and filled with God's love this new year. Although I've never wrote the details of my tough journey so far, I feel like this sudden feeling of pain has made me realize the beauty of the Cross and the beauty of our Father. All this pain has somehow formulated this deep sensation of love and wisdom in my heart. I know that probably doesn't make sense to you, the few readers of my blogspot, but maybe we'll talk about it in the near future sometime.

#two: I guess this is my second epiphany, but more like a very sad forgotten fact.
Steve just came back from urbana a couple days ago, and yesterday we were talking about his whole experience and more onto the topic of missionaries, abuse and sex trafficking. Another thing I'm very compassionate for and a strong advocate against is sex trafficking. While we are living in luxurious lifestyles, complaining about the minor cuts and scraps of life, there are children being sold by their own families to repulsive animals hungry for sex. I can't even imagine myself being raped once, but think ten times a day. Horrifying, gruesome, abhorrent, evil, excruciating.. all words that pop up into my head.
Just one example of how demonic our world is every single minute of the day. I could really go on forever, literally, forever about just the topic of sex trafficking, nevermind other corruptions of this world.
But my 'epiphany' was how my huge compassion and love for these people have become lulled and numbed. I've completely forgotten the hurt and suffering around the world, the only hurt and suffering that was radiating and triggering my brain for prayer was my own pain. I couldn't stop crying when Steve and I were talking about these things, not just because these things are horrible and wretched things done to human kind, but how all this has just
..slipped my mind.

The number one New Year's Resolution for the U.S. is to lose weight (I don't know stats but I can tell you for a fact that it is number one and will remain number one). I think that has been a new year's resolution for me several times, but this year it'll be something deeper than just my appearance and shallow wants. But something greater. A resolution to continually acknowledge the hurt being experienced all over the world, and not just from myself. And try to not only acknowledge and pray, but to act and keep the fire in my heart burning for these people. That includes the 1/3 of the world that goes to sleep hungry, the people with no shelter, the people with no family, the people suffering amidst war, the people who have experienced death of loved ones, and the people that do not know Jesus Christ.

Everything has slowly pieced together. and I'm not saying my pain is gone, but I'm starting to understand it and realize God's plan for me. Not just through my painful experiences, but His plan for me in the future and opening my eyes to what I'm meant to do in this life on earth.